It Can Get Lonely Here

In the past, I dealt with my feelings of isolation and being the odd one with alcohol and drug use(and lots of heavy metal music!).  For a while the substances numbed my emotional pain, but it never removed it completely.  There was always a part of me that struggled to fit in without having to rely on ‘outside help’ to worm my way into normalcy whenever I went out to a party or to a bar.  Oh I loved meeting people, especially guys when I was in my late teens and early twenties(before meeting my darling husband) but I never figured out what to say to impress them, to helped them figure out that, hey, I might just be the one for them!  Usually at parties I shrank into a quiet corner, mostly it was found in the sanctuary of another room devoid of humans. 

Back  in high school, I remember one year the first day of Physical Education class and realizing, with complete dread, that there wasn’t a friendly face in the crowd of girls seated on the bleachers.  I remember sitting on the floor and watching a fly buzzing around and wishing that I could be that insignificant bug and fly away, out of that room, out of that school, out of that life I tried so hard to fit into.  But of course, that was impossible.  I hated sports.  I was the one that, not only chosen last for the team, but a lot of times never chosen and the teacher had to stick me on a team, only to be brutalized by the groans and complaints of, “Oh no, not her!”

Yes.  I am not the sports enthusiast by a long shot.  I still cannot serve a volleyball successfully over a net!  But you know, I have come to accept my failures in that arena.  I wasn’t made to be physical that way.  But now I do run and weight lift, and I have always been a fast runner.  But when you are young and begging silently for acceptance, anything that you see yourself as a failure at, just takes another nibble out of your self-esteem.  And there is definitely a lack of that for girls while attending school, especially, I believe, in junior high school.  What a nightmare!  But I won’t go there.  Girls can be so mean at that age.  And it’s a shame, since they are all in the same boat at that point:  some many changes that a young lady goes through at that time.  But we won’t go there…again.  So if were to be asked what age I’d like to return to, it would be age 30.  Guys are better at that age too!

So it is a lonely road having Asperger’s, especially for a girl since it is more difficult to determine what is wrong with her than with her male counterpart.  I shouldn’t complain, though, since I had great parents and siblings(even though they tortured me mentally by telling me I was adopted and that the government removed the month of September, my birth month, from the calendar and that I would thus no longer have a birthday to celebrate!).  Oh, older brothers and sisters can be soooo mean. 

Anyway, to all of you out there with Asperger’s, take it from me, you do not need any substances to handle life.  Because overall it just complicates things.  Take life a day at time.  Best to have a friend to discuss this with.  It is a lonely life.  I understand.  I probably have only a few friends that I can count on.  But my husband is my very best friend.  Even though he enjoys teasing me about what I write on here.  Love your life.  You are worth it.  You are worth loving.  Be who you were made to be and embrace it. For life is short, so we need to take in as much of it as possible for however long of a time we have it.  Don’t waste your time feeling sorry for yourself.  I’ve done it and it didn’t help in the least.  If you must, set a timer for 10 or 15 minutes and have a good cry.  I’ve done that and I usually feel so much better after that. 

See yourselves as unique.  You are one of a kind, dear friends.  And you are a wonderful addition to this craziness called the Human Race.  Blessings.  Until next time,  Eva

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Being Thankful

With the Thanksgiving holiday fast approaching, I wanted to be more thankful for the things that I have.  I am so very thankful for my loving and supportive husband.  We have been together for 25 years now and it has only gotten better.  Hopefully for him too.  But I can’t speak for him.  He has made me a better person.  He makes me laugh when I have wanted to cry.  He does amazing voices that make me laugh.(Anyone need a good voice-over actor?)  He urges me to follow my dream to become a published writer.  I am so blessed and thankful for my two sons.  They are healthy, well-educated, and compassionate(well, as compassionate as two teenage boys can be).  I have a roof over my head, a functioning car, work that keeps me happy, and good health.

Now some people may not agree with me on these next ones, but that’s okay.  We all have different opinions, and well we should, but here goes.  I am thankful to all those who have served or are currently serving in the armed forces.  It’s not something they all wanted to do, I’m sure, but they did their tour of duty, or are currently in it.  I am thankful for those families who give their sons and daughters to protect this nation.  I am sure it can’t  be easy being away from their loved ones for that long.  My brother was in the army, during peace times, thankfully; and I saw first hand how difficult it was for my mother.  She was constantly worried that a war would break out and take her beloved and only son away from her.  And she gained a lot of weight due to the stress. Also, she had lost a brother to war and her father when she was still a child.

I am also thankful to all those who are firefighters and police officers.  Being constantly on call has got to be very trying on their emotional well-being and upon their families as well.  Especially with the fact that their lives are on the line whenever they are on duty.  I could never do that job.  Wondering if you’d make it back safely to your family thar night, has got to be beyond stressful.

I am grateful to my mom and dad who raised and loved me.  I saw them as overbearing many times during my teen years, but looking back I understand that they did it out of love and care.  I can now see how tough a job parenting actually is.  And it is a lifetime commitment.  It does not get any easier the older the kids get.  I repeat, it does NOT get any easier.  All you parents out there know what I mean.  But they provided me with clothing, food, shelter, schooling, all the necessities of life.

I am thankful to the few teachers in my life that I believed truly cared about the students and about teaching.  My high school English teacher, Mr. Anderson.  Thank you for taking the time to teach a rowdy bunch of fifteen and sixteen year olds.  It couldn’t have been easy.  He was a fantastic teacher.  I learned.  I advanced.  Thank you to Herr Taylor who made German class fun and a pleasure to come to.  I learned a lot and had a good time all at the same time.

Thank you to my older brother and sister for tormenting me as a child and probably making me a stronger person because of it.  Telling me that the government took out my birthday month, so now I no longer could celebrate my birthday, how cruel.  See what I had to put up with, people?  Older siblings can be so harsh.  Yes.  I love them still and I know that they love me too, their little baby sister.  Though my brother told the doctor a few weeks after I was born that he wanted to send me back because I was no longer wanted.  Imagine, a five year old not wanting his sweet, adorable little sister?  Never mind that I was a pooping, crying, hardly-sleeping, burping machine.  But, hey, I was cute!

So, let’s remember to be thankful, always, to those who love us, and for those who put their lives on the line for us on a daily basis.  Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.  What are you thankful for?