Turned Around

Being lost is a terrifying experience for me. I remember, one time in my late-teens, going for a job interview not far from my home and getting lost. For most people it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Not for me, though. I went into a spiral of fear and panic, worried that I wouldn’t make it in time. I began screaming, crying, and doing a good bit of swearing. My usual response to becoming lost, when I was younger. And after about ten minutes or so of losing complete control of my sanity, I would calm down and become embarrassed of myself for acting like a spoiled two-year old. It was silly to act like that, I’d chide myself. Here I was, a grown woman throwing a conniption over taking a wrong turn or two. Pathetic, I mocked myself.

I am still not the best at finding places I seek, but thank God for online maps! At least I have those at the ready now. Having Asperger’s and fits of rage over the silliest things, I look back on those times and have to shake my head. I used to pound my fists into walls whenever the rage built up within. As a woman, I felt it odd to get that angry. I really didn’t have a reason for this anger. It just used to well up inside of me, scaring me. But I have that under control now, thank God. But while living under that shadow, it was pretty much hell.

When you’re not sure what is wrong with your brain, it causes you to become depressed, big-time. You feel like a foreigner within your own body. Funny, if you don’t like someone, you can usually just leave their presence, but not likely going to happen if that unlikeable person is yourself.

So over the past year of my self-discovery that is Asperger’s, I have accepted my shortcomings and finally began to like myself. No more self-loathing. We all know that self-loathing gets you nowhere. It’s bad enough when others run you down, or reject you, do not do that to yourself. You have to be your own best friend sometimes. Your own biggest cheerleader. Go! Go! Go! Don’t give up on yourself.

Yep, Asperger’s is hard. You normally don’t have many friends. You scan the list of it’s traits and check off each one that you are already living with. So you need to realize your new normal. It’s okay to be different. Being unlike the next person isn’t so bad. Again, find your own unique gifts and run with them! We all have gifts. The discovery of those gifts is an enjoyable journey, at least it should be! So go out there and embrace your uniqueness! You might be amazed at what you may find.

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A New Way of Looking at Things

Okay, continuing on from my last post, I am most certainly sure that I have Asperger’s.  Yes.  It’s undiagnosed, but reading all the info about it, I match almost 100% of the traits, etc.  One of my sons has it, and I know now, without a doubt, that I too have the Syndrome.  No big deal to me.  I am jut elated to discover after all these years, I’ll be 50 this year, that the way that I look at things is not weird or bizarre, but my normal.

I look at how I related to other people, how I prefered my own company to that of others.  I liked playing with boys and hanging around them instead of other girls.  I never was into the ‘girlie’ stuff, like makeup and dressing up.  I hate jewelry, flowers, and all of those other “Hallmark Holiday”.  Knowing that my husband loves me 365 days of the year means that we do not need special days to for him to tell me that.  Flowers die, chocolate adds inches to my hips, and jewelry to me is a big waste of money.  Okay, I’ll stop.

I now can move on and enjoy the rest of my life, however long that may still be.  When I act different, I’ll know and understand the why of it all.  If people don’t like me now, it’s their problem, not mine.  Unless, of course, I’ve done something to cause their dislike.  Wow.  A dark cloud lifted, a heavy blanket removed, and a light going on inside of me.  That’s what this discovery has done for me.  After years of depression, and suicidal thoughts and attempts, and just a deep gut-wrenching sorrow of wondering why people didn’t seem to like me, is over.  I have been set free.  And, damn, it feels wonderful!

Now I can go on writing on the topics that I enjoy writing about without wondering why I am so attracted to those story lines.  I can go on reading those books that I enjoy so much without wondering why I love this genre so dearly.  Ah, the freedom to be yourself.  I always knew that I didn’t want to be like other people.  I’ve always rejected that way of doing things.  If people want to be friends, all well and good, but I’ve decided that I am no longer going to play at being normal.  I will now live life as I was created to be.  A very unique and sometimes strange individual.  And that’s okay too.  Trying to fit a certain mold is draining.  So tiring.  I can like me and be happy with the way that I am.

So, have a wonderful week everyone.  Hope that you find some joy in reading my posts.  And I do truly appreciate everyone who takes time out of their busy day to read what I write.  It definitely means a lot to me.  Writing is my lifelong dream and goal of being officially published someday.  God bless and stay safe out there.  We know it’s a crazy world out there.  Peace.