Here I go again with the guilt. I’m up at 4 or 4:30 A.M. but I don’t always know whether I should get up or not. Why? Because laying next to me is my dear husband, fast asleep. It’s: do I get up and not be here when he wakes up, or do I just stay here and try to fall back asleep for another hour or so? Trying my best to be a good wife, I at least make it a point to go to bed at the same time as he does. But I am a morning-person, always have been. So needless to say I’ve stayed in bed the past few days, shunning my early-morning quiet time/writing time. In addition to that, the time of year isn’t helping much either since the sun rises later now. During the summer, when the sun is up a lot earlier, it’s not as difficult for me to drag my butt out of the warm bed and shuffle down the hall to the kitchen table where my laptop sits, waiting.
So I discussed this situation over with my husband, and he said he was fine with it. That was a relief. I don’t want to feel guilty about my writing. I want to have a clear head to think up clever plot lines and character sketches. I do not want to bog down the old brain with feelings of remorse or uncertainty. What do I do? Can I even fall back to sleep? So, tomorrow, bright and (very) early, I will bounce, okay, perhaps that’s not accurate…stumble is probably a much better word choice…and shuffle down the hall and into the kitchen to the table where my laptop waits. I think that my brain does work better in the early morning when it’s nice and quiet in the house, for the time being. With my husband and two grown sons, and a mangy mutt, the house doesn’t remain that way for too long.
I’m ready for tomorrow morning. I’m ready to write. I’m ready to start the day off right with creativity and coffee; lots and lots of coffee. And when the day is done, I will be bathed in a joyous sense of accomplishment. Thank you, dear. Thank you, brain. I’m always happiest when everything flow together nicely.
On a side note: I recently went to one of our thrift stores and purchased a few books. I got another Vince Flynn, Alex Berenson, and Joseph Wambaugh to add to my growing collection. Okay, I hope I spelled Wambaugh correctly. And currently I am reading another fantastic romance by Lori Foster, Run the Risk. Well, friends, that’s it for now. Happy Writing and happy reading. If you’re like me, you aren’t happy if you don’t get at least a half hour to read a good book. What are you reading right now?
As I flounder around in this sea of indecision, I constantly wonder why I keep putting off that which is so very important to me. My desire to write; to put pen to paper, or more appropriately, fingertips to keyboard, seems to rage within me. Yet I do not make the time to just sit and write. Maybe it is the fear of rejection. My works are my babies, and I get pretty upset whenever someone doesn’t like my ‘babies’. It’s not that I feel that I’m so much better than the everyday writer, it’s just that I’ve had so much rejection in my past that I am living in a state of fear.
And let me tell you, it sucks! I have so many works in progress. That’s the extent of my writing. So many pieces left unfinished. So many thoughts never written down. Some days it feels like I’m drowning in regret. Regret for not having the guts to submit my work even though they may be rejected. Even though someone out there may not see the heart and soul I put into each piece. But as I’ve read recently, it is not me that is being rejected, only my work.
Sometimes it is difficult to separate the two. At least to me it is. I love to write. This is what I’ve longed to do since I was a child. It burns within me. The characters in my head cry out to be heard. They want to be recognized. They want to be free of my mind and put down on paper for all to see. To know them. To love them. Just as I do.
So there you have it. My dilemma. My guilt of needing to do the things in my house that I believe needs to be done. My job. My family. My workouts. My social media time. My private reading time. I am exhausted at the thought of having to accomplish so many tasks in only a brief 24-hour window. And I cannot forget sleep. My brain would be fried in record time if I didn’t get sleep. Though I’ve been trying to wake up earlier to write, but sometimes the brain is a bit too foggy in the early-A.M. to be thinking clearly enough about characters and plot lines and dialogue.
Now I need to finish up here. I need to make myself understand that which is most important to me, and cut out the rest of the crap. My family. My work outs. My writing. I seem to spend way too much time on the computer. That needs to end. Perhaps an hour in the morning and one at night before I hit the pillow. Even if I can get in one or two hours a day. But at least I can feel that it was all worthwhile. That I have not squelched my talent. This needs to end. And it needs to end today. Any other writers out there with any advice, suggestions, encouragement? Would love to hear from you. And ‘Happy Writing’ to all.