I’m going to be brutally honest in this post; some might say crazy; but there are days, like today, that I think about dying. There are bad days when I wonder whether I am worth anything; if I’m just a waste of space. But I know that’s a lie. I know that being an introvert and an Aspie can mess with my mind. There are days I over think things. And that’s when I feel like I’m losing my mind; when I want to punch walls, scream, and curl up into myself.
Today was a day that I (a) wasn’t feeling well, (b) was frustrated with things happening in my life, and (c) questioning my existence. The good part, the sane part, is that I understand that it is just a phase I go through occasionally. I would never kill myself though I do think about it from time to time. Maybe I just enjoy a little self-pity. Maybe there are times that my mind plays tricks on me. I ask myself: Am I more afraid of living or I am I more afraid of dying?
Since my brain doesn’t function like ‘normal’ people(those not on the Autism Spectrum), I worry if my family actually loves me; if they’d be better off without me. And again, it’s a lie that’s trying to screw with my head. I know that they do love me yet there are times, like today, that I do not feel loved; by my husband, my children, my parents, my siblings, etc. I feel like I’m living underneath an umbrella; the trials of life, like rain, pummel me and I am curled up, fetal-position, underneath a blanket, waiting for the nasty weather to pass.
And pass it does. The trials disappear, or I learn to manage them, or I decide they aren’t worth my time and energy worrying about them. That’s how life goes for me. I get into these little snits and I want to end it all. I think about how I’d do it. What would be the least messy way to do away with myself? Then I think: how would the person who found me feel? That is something a person doesn’t forget, etched into your memory forever.
Sometimes I don’t even want to leave the house. I have a desire to be involved in society, yet I don’t want to deal with people most times. The Aspie says, ‘I don’t know how to associate with others. And the introvert in me says, ‘I don’t want to be around people.’ Yet the real me says: ‘I want to enjoy life. I want to have friends. I don’t want to let life pass me by without accomplishing the things I most want to do.’ I’ve made up a bucket list of things I want to try. Publishing a novel, rock climbing, zip-lining, learning foreign languages, belly-dancing. What stands in my way of reaching those goals? Fear. Fear holds me back. Fear of failure. Fear of looking like an idiot. Fear of not understanding the instructions on how to do things.
And I have a terrible habit of over-thinking things, and that’s when I screw up. I try very hard to learn things but somehow there’s a disconnect in my brain. I am the type of learner that needs to do the thing I’m trying to learn rather than have the person teaching me explaining it with words. I am a hands-on learner.
So there you have it; my secret pain. It’s not something I enjoy sharing, but I want to be honest that I suffer with these bouts of depression to the point of contemplating suicide. I am thankful that the feelings are short-lived and pass by quickly. I believe in being positive and doing my best to make others happy. I believe every life is precious. I believe that the voices in our head are liars. We are worth something. We are precious to our families, spouses, and children. As a Christian, I believe we are important to God as well. Our lives are important. I heard it said once that ‘suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.’ It’s a sad fact that people who take their own lives believe that the horrible, messed-up part of their life that they are currently in will never end; will haunt them for the rest of their lives; and that’s not true. I’d say talk to someone; get help. You don’t need to suffer alone if you are contemplating taking your own life. I refuse to believe the lies swirling around inside my head and so must you, my friends. Until next time.