I am about to embark on a terrifying journey, to a place most introverts would tremble at doing: meet new people. In early August I will be attending my first writers’ group at a local Barnes & Noble and I am petrified! As an Aspie and an introvert, I figured I’ve got two strikes against me already. A third would be if they all disliked me; one of my biggest fears. I’m always worrying whether this person or that person likes me. My younger son thinks I’m silly to be so concerned whether I’m liked or not. Unfortunately after years of horrible school experiences I’ve developed this irrational fear of being disliked.
Okay, I got to admit I’ve been out of school since 1981 but the embarrassment due to my peer’s rejection still haunt me and keep me from achieving more in life. And, yes, I know that I should just brush it off and get on with my life. All well and true. But this silly fear nags at me and is the reason I don’t get involved in outside activities, even with the other ladies at my church. I recently had attended a women’s function at church and, as usual, took a seat at an empty table and proceeded to fret if anyone would care to join me. And alas, no one dared to sit with me at my table. Maybe I didn’t have a smile on my face, or perhaps my nervousness showed but thankfully a lady at one of the tables next to me invited me to sit at their table and I gladly did. I wouldn’t want to appear even more standoff-ish by rejecting her generous offer. It was a church function, you know.
Now that I revealed my bizarre side to you all, I want to convey how important it is for me to join this local group. I’ve been told to join a writers’ group and have earnestly wanted to find one in the area. Step One was completed. I also have a fear of bringing my laptop to the store since I’ve never had to sign in to anyone’s WiFi but my own before. And I’m not even sure if it’s called that! I am so not with the program here, people. I am highly technology-illiterate. Again not sure if that’s even the proper term. Silly me.
So do I go days before and figure out how to set up at said store or have one of my darling sons show me how to do it? I don’t want to look like a fool in front of total strangers. As a woman, this is one of my greatest fears: To look like an idiot. This fear, unfortunately, goes way back to childhood. But I won’t get into that now.
I truly love to write but it’s done in the safety of my home, in a little room which used to be my younger son’s bedroom. All my books are neatly(okay, not so neatly) arranged on bookshelves, my desk is in front of the window, and I have a handy two-drawer file cabinet, and a rocking chair that my husband & I found along someone’s curb. Sometimes I enjoy listening to music while I tap away at the keys; mostly Country but other times I like Classical music. It doesn’t seem to distract me as much as Country does.
But if I want to make a living, or at least pay off our yearly property taxes, I need to find other like-minded individuals who will help be reach my goals. Along the way I’m hoping that I will be of some use to them as well. I write on Wattpad and Scripophile and have this blog but as a writer one needs to, no, must write. Like air, words on a page are a necessity to a writer. I am not happy unless I’m writing something. I feel lost and not fully alive when I’m not tapping away. Sometimes as an Aspie I struggle with the right words to show how much I love this writing process. I sink into a depressive state whenever I’m not writing, or even reading about the writing process. I will push myself to attend the group, probably developing a headache or a stomach ache before heading out the door like a woman off to her death. Okay, maybe not that dramatic.
I will keep all of you lovely people informed on how it all went in upcoming weeks. Thanks for allowing me to vent and reveal my fears, as silly as they sound. Until next time, keep on writing.