All my life I’ve been clinging to the hope of God and His existence. Deep down I am fully aware that there is something greater than myself; than all of us; alive and in control of this infinite universe. Death has had its fair grip on me for decades; what will it be like, how much pain, and will I still exist afterwards? I believe in a God that is omnipotent and unending. As a child I’d play church(not too many kids out there playing church, I imagine). We had this half-shell knick knack with Jesus on the cross attached to it and I’d put water in the shell and pretend it was holy water, dabbing it onto my forehead just like I saw my parents and others do in the Catholic church we attended.
Having Aspergers, I just felt closer to the existence of some higher power; something or someone I could look up to and have a sense of peace over. I’ve read somewhere women with Aspergers have a unique pull to the divine. I have a thirst for Truth, to know wrong from right, to understand others and what they are going through. I want to grasp why some people are good and others are seen as evil. What turns a person from light to darkness? What snaps inside?
Peace within is a blessing. But when we seek answers from an almighty Being, we expect answers, and fast. We don’t want to wait. From experience there were, and still are, frustrating circumstances in my life that needle the flesh. Why does this person act this way? Why don’t I feel closer to the ones I love? Why do I keep getting rejected in places that preach about love and acceptance? My ear is attuned to his anticipated reply. But I cannot sense any forthcoming. Then the fear and doubts set in. Is God truly out there? Does he even care about me and my concerns? Now I’m drawing into myself again. I’m screaming within, Help me, God! Why aren’t you listening? Do you even love me?
As a believer, fear of God no longer loving you is like a baseball bat to the face. It’s like trying to breathe underwater. Crying helps, a bit. But after the tears, the cursing(yes, the cursing), the pleading, I can take a deep breath and refocus. Peace surrounds me once again. God isn’t intimidated by your little outbursts. He knows you intimately since he created you. His love for you is eternal. When God is silent, I believe he is testing us and our faith. Do we trust in him or not? He swoops in to rescue us and our dwindling faith.
He is good and merciful to his children, and knows us all by name. God has not abandoned you but continually longs to have a place in our hearts and thoughts. Talk to him today. He is waiting.