When God is Silent

All my life I’ve been clinging to the hope of God and His existence.  Deep down I am fully aware that there is something greater than myself; than all of us; alive and in control of this infinite universe.  Death has had its fair grip on me for decades; what will it be like, how much pain, and will I still exist afterwards?  I believe in a God that is omnipotent and unending.  As a child I’d play church(not too many kids out there playing church, I imagine).  We had this half-shell knick knack with Jesus on the cross attached to it and I’d put water in the shell and pretend it was holy water, dabbing it onto my forehead just like I saw my parents and others do in the Catholic church we attended.

Having Aspergers, I just felt closer to the existence of some higher power; something or someone I could look up to and have a sense of peace over.  I’ve read somewhere women with Aspergers have a unique pull to the divine.  I have a thirst for Truth, to know wrong from right, to understand others and what they are going through.  I want to grasp why some people are good and others are seen as evil.  What turns a person from light to darkness?  What snaps inside?

Peace within is a blessing.  But when we seek answers from an almighty Being, we expect answers, and fast.  We don’t want to wait.  From experience there were, and still are, frustrating circumstances in my life that needle the flesh.  Why does this person act this way?  Why don’t I feel closer to the ones I love?  Why do I keep getting rejected in places that preach about love and acceptance?  My ear is attuned to his anticipated reply.  But I cannot sense any forthcoming. Then the fear and doubts set in.  Is God truly out there?  Does he even care about me and my concerns?  Now I’m drawing into myself again.  I’m screaming within, Help me, God!  Why aren’t you listening?  Do you even love me?

As a believer, fear of God no longer loving you is like a baseball bat to the face.  It’s like trying to breathe underwater.  Crying helps, a bit.  But after the tears, the cursing(yes, the cursing), the pleading, I can take a deep breath and refocus.  Peace surrounds me once again.  God isn’t intimidated by your little outbursts.  He knows you intimately since he created you.  His love for you is eternal.  When God is silent, I believe he is testing us and our faith.  Do we trust in him or not?  He swoops in to rescue us and our dwindling faith.

He is good and merciful to his children, and knows us all by name.  God has not abandoned you but continually longs to have a place in our hearts and thoughts.  Talk to him today.  He is waiting.


Death – The Great Unknown

Okay, here’s a topic which most of us are uncomfortable discussing. And for good reason; who wants to talk about their own death? But the conclusion that I’ve come to is: I don’t want a wake or funeral. As an Aspie and an Introvert, I do not want people looking at me and saying inane things like, “Doesn’t she look like she’s just sleeping?” or “What a nice job they did on her makeup.” I don’t have anything against anyone who wants these things, but it’s not for me. Are you listening, my dear family?

There’s something highly uncomfortable about friends and family standing around me, commenting on my appearance and reminiscing about my life. Can you just throw one big celebration party and leave it at that? Please? No open coffin. No crying. No expensive coffins. None. Zilch. Zip. Nada. I don’t want people crying over me. As a believer, I don’t think that death is the end. That my spirit will live on. When I was a child, the thought of death terrified me to the point that I had trouble falling asleep. I thought about the blackness of the grave. About no thoughts and dreams. No more existence. But I don’t dwell on those thoughts because I feel that death is not the end. Okay, enough of that.

Anyway, I had this as an on-going conversation with a Facebook group. And there were plenty of responses. We need to think about our death sometimes. Because in so doing we learn to appreciate the little things in life; sunrises and sunsets, puppies and kittens, and the contagious laughter of little children. There are other things important in life, of course, but my point is we only have a certain amount of days on this earth and that we need to treasure each one. And make time for family and friends. We don’t know how much time they have either. The sad reality is that there are too many people out there who live with regret because they couldn’t or didn’t find time to spend with the ones they loved.

So there you have it. Do not waste any money on me, family. Remember the good times, have one hell of a party, and please don’t cry. Where I believe I’m going is a far, far better place. What do you all believe about death?

Loving Christ

I am a Christian.  Jesus is a very important part of my life.  I have taught my two sons about Him also.  But now they are old enough to decided for themselves what they choose to believe.  I will not force them to follow me and my faith.  No one, and I mean no one, should be forced to believe.  God does not want people to believe and trust in His Son out of fear or because they are looking to gain something for themselves.  Being a follower of Christ is never easy.  So many people nowadays mock that sort of blind devotion to one true God.  But it is still easier than what others experience in other countries.

Many in other restricted nations are banned from their villages, lose their jobs, or spouse and children because of their newfound faith, or even imprisoned, tortured, and killed.  We here in America take our faith for granted.  Many think that God is some genie in the sky granted wishes and when prayers for wealth and other material possessions go unanswered, people become disillusioned.

The only promise we are given, as followers, is eternal life with Christ in Heaven.  I personally like that idea.  I’ve had supernatural experiences in my life that are difficult to talk about in fear that other people will think I’m a bit insane.  But I know what I’ve seen, and felt, and heard.  No one can take that away from me.

Jesus loves you.  No matter what you have done in your past.  And believe me I’ve committed many stupid and dangerous things in my own life.  Too many people think that they are beyond God’s love and forgiveness.  I say that that is a pile of crap.  Only the devil can deceive you that much.  But I know, many people don’t believe that he even exists.  But I believe. 

God is there for you.  All you need to do is believe on the name of Jesus Christ and you will be saved.  You don’t have to give a ton of money to any church to earn your way into Heaven.  This, I believe, was a tremendous sin committed by the church those many centuries ago with the selling of indulgences.  And not allowing the ‘normal’ folks a copy of their own Bible which they could read and understand for themselves.  God never said to torture those who didn’t share the Christian faith.  He said others would know His children by their fruit – how they choose to live their lives to glorify His name.

There is good news in His word.  Christ came to earth to die for the sins of mankind.  You can choose to believe or not.  I still believe exactly what the Bible says.  Call me naive or old-fashioned or ignorant, it doesn’t matter to me.  I choose to believe.  God does not hate the sinner, but He does hate the sin.  We are all sinners.  We have all done wrong things.  Hated others, envied, lusted, fill in the blank here…but the good news is that you are loved and there’s nothing you can do to change that.  That to me is such wonderful news.