Living Life Underneath An Umbrella

I’m going to be brutally honest in this post; some might say crazy; but there are days, like today, that I think about dying.  There are bad days when I wonder whether I am worth anything; if I’m just a waste of space.  But I know that’s a lie.  I know that being an introvert and an Aspie can mess with my mind.  There are days I over think things.  And that’s when I feel like I’m losing my mind; when I want to punch walls, scream, and curl up into myself.

Today was a day that I (a) wasn’t feeling well, (b) was frustrated with things happening in my life, and (c) questioning my existence.  The good part, the sane part, is that I understand that it is just a phase I go through occasionally.  I would never kill myself though I do think about it from time to time.  Maybe I just enjoy a little self-pity.  Maybe there are times that my mind plays tricks on me.  I ask myself:  Am I more afraid of living or I am I more afraid of dying?

Since my brain doesn’t function like ‘normal’ people(those not on the Autism Spectrum), I worry if my family actually loves me; if they’d be better off without me.  And again, it’s a lie that’s trying to screw with my head.  I know that they do love me yet there are times, like today, that I do not feel loved; by my husband, my children, my parents, my siblings, etc.  I feel like I’m living underneath an umbrella; the trials of life, like rain, pummel me and I am curled up, fetal-position, underneath a blanket, waiting for the nasty weather to pass.

And pass it does.  The trials disappear, or I learn to manage them, or I decide they aren’t worth my time and energy worrying about them.  That’s how life goes for me.  I get into these little snits and I want to end it all.  I think about how I’d do it.  What would be the least messy way to do away with myself?  Then I think:  how would the person who found me feel?  That is something a person doesn’t forget, etched into your memory forever.

Sometimes I don’t even want to leave the house.  I have a desire to be involved in society, yet I don’t want to deal with people most times.   The Aspie says, ‘I don’t know how to associate with others.  And the introvert in me says, ‘I don’t want to be around people.’  Yet the real me says:  ‘I want to enjoy life.  I want to have friends.  I don’t want to let life pass me by without accomplishing the things I most want to do.’  I’ve made up a bucket list of things I want to try.  Publishing a novel, rock climbing, zip-lining, learning foreign languages, belly-dancing. What stands in my way of reaching those goals? Fear.  Fear holds me back.  Fear of failure.  Fear of looking like an idiot.  Fear of not understanding the instructions on how to do things.

And I have a terrible habit of over-thinking things, and that’s when I screw up.  I try very hard to learn things but somehow there’s a disconnect in my brain.  I am the type of learner that needs to do the thing I’m trying to learn rather than have the person teaching me explaining it with words.  I am a hands-on learner.

So there you have it; my secret pain.  It’s not something I enjoy sharing, but I want to be honest that I suffer with these bouts of depression to the point of contemplating suicide.  I am thankful that the feelings are short-lived and pass by quickly.  I believe in being positive and doing my best to make others happy.  I believe every life is precious.  I believe that the voices in our head are liars.  We are worth something.  We are precious to our families, spouses, and children.  As a Christian, I believe we are important to God as well. Our lives are important.  I heard it said once that ‘suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.’  It’s a sad fact that people who take their own lives believe that the horrible, messed-up part of their life that they are currently in will never end; will haunt them for the rest of their lives; and that’s not true.  I’d say talk to someone; get help.  You don’t need to suffer alone if you are contemplating taking your own life.  I refuse to believe the lies swirling around inside my head and so must you, my friends.  Until next time.

 

 

Mindless Rantings on Life

Are we living in a land of confusion?  When up is down, right is wrong, good is evil; can we ever get right-side up again?  The world is a terrifying place and especially, I imagine, for those who are alone.  When you have to fall asleep by yourself, and when you awake there is no one there beside you to kiss you good morning, it must not only be scary but depressing as well, at least to me when I was single.  But more on singleness below.

Isn’t that why most people are desperate to find a mate; to not have to go through this life alone?  Don’t get me wrong, you needn’t find someone to make yourself content, or happy, but I believe it is a warm fuzzy feeling to have that strength and comfort next to you in bed.  Or is it just me?

I like being married.  Okay, maybe I wasn’t originally planning on taking this post in this direction but now I feel led to.  Maybe you are happy and satisfied with your singleness, and that’s all well and good.  Some people enjoy that status.  There isn’t any judgment here; just like for those who rather not have children.  It’s cool.  It’s your choice.  It’s the status of being a widow or widower that breaks my heart.  I’ve known people who had to live with that; the loneliness, the sadness, the void that the surviving spouse must deal with.  All I can say is:  Hold on to those beautiful memories and embrace them, cherish them.  Don’t ever forget that person you loved so completely.  And onto the divorced; some may even feel that you are better off divorced; no chains to bind you, freedom to do whatever you want, go whenever you want.  Sometimes, yes, we marry the wrong person.  They presented themselves during the dating phase to be something other than what you discovered after marrying them.  Perhaps they have some horrible addiction, are abusive, a cheater, or whatever you want to fill in the blank with. And in that case, it is wiser to escape that cage.  (Or try counseling, if both parties agree.  There is always hope for the person to turn their life around).

But stretching that thought out, I think we all present ourselves differently in the dating phase.  Don’t we all love putting our best foot forward, our happy faces on?  Normally the person we are dating doesn’t get the opportunity to see us at our worst, do they?  We wouldn’t reveal that ugly side of ourselves in fear of running them off; screaming into the night.

Yes, that would be awkward, wouldn’t it?  Does this have anything to do with writing, you may ask?  Well, not really.  Sometimes I just enjoy writing out my thoughts because I love to write.  This is my outlet.  This is my stress reliever.

And having Asperger’s, sometimes my thoughts get a little jumbled, so please forgive me.  It can seem like a rant at times, like a deranged women’s viewpoint.  But trust me; I am pretty good at being sane. So here is my post for this week.  A little flighty perhaps, but it is also my birthday as well.  And I had a desire to write something on marriage and the pluses of the institution.  I love being married.  It is all about shared experiences; both good and bad.  It is about children, if you have any, and the joys and struggles of raising them.  It is cold feet, and warm hearts; corny jokes and laughter(even if mine sounds like a mix between snorting and a percolator); and shared hopes and dreams for the future; for you and your spouse.

So with that, I bid you a pleasant weekend, and a very safe and enjoyable Labor Day.  Man, I can’t believe summer is technically over with the arrival of Labor Day.  Summer always seems to fly on by for me.  Well, love to you all, my readers.  Until next time; happy writing.

Eva