I went to a business expo this afternoon with my husband. You know, one of those expos a city has to bring businesses and consumers together to arrange some sort of happy union. When my boys were younger, we would always load up on the free candy and pencils the various booths provided. Now, my husband and I do a pretty quick walk through to check out the various offerings in the area; the free chiropractic checks, free neck massages, the vendors hawking their wares. Occasionally we’ll find a good business reference to do work on the house my husband says needs repairing. We’ve had people who called relatively quickly to set up an appointment to do a bid; other times no calls are received at all.
But this post isn’t about business; it’s about going to an open place when one has Aspergers. I can’t tell you how hard it is for me to go to these. Well, I’m going to try anyway. The sights, noise, bright lights, and crowds are enough to make me want to curl up into a ball and hide. I’ve always wondered why I had done poorly in crowds but I’ve discovered it is due to the over-stimulation of so many things going on all at once. And throw in being an introvert and you’ve got a messy situation.
Why then, you may ask, do I go to these? Okay, besides being a masochist(creepy) I actually enjoy seeing the different offerings that businesses provide. Plus I like pushing myself to do things I don’t always enjoy and helps in my writing experience. Just being out in the world surrounded by other people is an experience, trust me.
So I’ve discovered some triggers that push me over the edge. Now to learn to live with and accept my inner fears while moving forward with my life.
All my life I’ve been clinging to the hope of God and His existence. Deep down I am fully aware that there is something greater than myself; than all of us; alive and in control of this infinite universe. Death has had its fair grip on me for decades; what will it be like, how much pain, and will I still exist afterwards? I believe in a God that is omnipotent and unending. As a child I’d play church(not too many kids out there playing church, I imagine). We had this half-shell knick knack with Jesus on the cross attached to it and I’d put water in the shell and pretend it was holy water, dabbing it onto my forehead just like I saw my parents and others do in the Catholic church we attended.
Having Aspergers, I just felt closer to the existence of some higher power; something or someone I could look up to and have a sense of peace over. I’ve read somewhere women with Aspergers have a unique pull to the divine. I have a thirst for Truth, to know wrong from right, to understand others and what they are going through. I want to grasp why some people are good and others are seen as evil. What turns a person from light to darkness? What snaps inside?
Peace within is a blessing. But when we seek answers from an almighty Being, we expect answers, and fast. We don’t want to wait. From experience there were, and still are, frustrating circumstances in my life that needle the flesh. Why does this person act this way? Why don’t I feel closer to the ones I love? Why do I keep getting rejected in places that preach about love and acceptance? My ear is attuned to his anticipated reply. But I cannot sense any forthcoming. Then the fear and doubts set in. Is God truly out there? Does he even care about me and my concerns? Now I’m drawing into myself again. I’m screaming within, Help me, God! Why aren’t you listening? Do you even love me?
As a believer, fear of God no longer loving you is like a baseball bat to the face. It’s like trying to breathe underwater. Crying helps, a bit. But after the tears, the cursing(yes, the cursing), the pleading, I can take a deep breath and refocus. Peace surrounds me once again. God isn’t intimidated by your little outbursts. He knows you intimately since he created you. His love for you is eternal. When God is silent, I believe he is testing us and our faith. Do we trust in him or not? He swoops in to rescue us and our dwindling faith.
He is good and merciful to his children, and knows us all by name. God has not abandoned you but continually longs to have a place in our hearts and thoughts. Talk to him today. He is waiting.