How many times can a person feel invisible? Lost in a crowd? Feel as though you are the only one who has this ‘condition’? I don’t want to stand out. I hate being noticed. Does anyone else go through this, or am I the only one?
Asperger’s takes its toll. I can’t even go for a walk outside without having the sense that the world is slowly closing in on me, squeezing the very air out of my lungs. I hate seeing others out there on the route I take because I’m never sure whether to say ‘hi’ or not. And when I do and others just look at me like I’ve just sprung another head, I start to wither once more
Fear is a huge part of my daily life. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of people. I try to stuff all that fear down deep inside but it insists on bubbling back up to the surface. I can’t seem to rid myself of this burden of fear. I want to be normal on some days, other days I don’t give a damn what others think of my idiosyncrasies. This is me. I want others to like me. Sometimes, again, I don’t give a sh@%t whether they do or don’t.
I seem unbalanced most days. Caring or indifferent. Depends on my mood. Weird things freak me out. Like yesterday my husband and I were watching War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise and it scares me every time I watch that movie. Not that I think aliens are going to burst through the clouds and overtake the earth, it’s just that frightening aspect of losing control and being at the mercy of the mob.
So, this is where I finish this post. Any Aspie’s out there? Do you feel the same way?