Not Your Typical Woman

I am a strange woman. Not your typical woman, oh no, not by a long shot! A typical Aspie, I am. I struggle with making eye contact, or I try very hard to maintain eye contact but normally wind up shutting my eyes when talking to people. Drives my family crazy. Nutty as it may sound, that looking into people’s eyes is actually painful to me. Why? Haven’t figured that one out. And this may sound creepy, but I feel by looking into someone’s eyes tells a lot about their perception of you. A judgment of sorts. I hate being judged.

And I also fit the Aspie trait of clumsiness. Oh how I do fit. I suck at team sports to the point that in gym classes throughout my school years my classmates would consider themselves cursed when I was put on their team. And I did not disappoint! Oh no. The only sport I’ve ever excelled in was running, and not because I was constantly being chased by school bullies.

I cannot sit still. I have my movements well under control since my youth, but I like to rub my feet together when sitting and watching t.v. at night or shaking my legs while seated, like I’m doing now. I panic when getting lost, or when I can’t find an object. I cry over stuff that most women wouldn’t normally cry over, like, why doesn’t that person like me? I overcompensate. I try so hard to read people, and I take things literally. Someone can say something and it isn’t meant as an insult, and I see it as a slight.

I have a vivid imagination. I love writing, and getting lost within the pages of a romance book, especially when it’s spicy. I don’t have the best grooming habits. When I was younger, I’d go days without combing my hair. I’m not much for makeup, except when we go out. The older I get, the more I see a need for it. But I think I still look young for my age.

So as my fellow Aspies and I go about our daily lives, struggling, sometimes, to fit in, and to be loved and accepted just like everyone else, remember that we have feelings too. Accept us as we are. Quit giving us strange looks. We are who we are. We just look at things differently, it’s not like we’re from another planet or something. So, yes, I am not typical. But you know something, I am happy to be just that. I’m me. And I have accepted that about myself.

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Groups

I’ve joined a plethora of Aspegers groups as of late. They’re very interesting, eclectic people on these sights. I find them fascinating, as a writer, to hear what others are thinking; likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams. Sometimes it causes me to ponder the goings-on in the mind of the youth today. There are a lot of discussions of the sexual nature, which is fine to me. I’ve always been intrigued with that subject since I was younger. And, again, as a writer I do enjoy hearing what other people are talking about.

Also, I enjoy the fact that we are all in the Aspie boat, trying to figure out our way through this insane life we all lead. I think there is an inbred fear of the unknown with Aspies perhaps due to our difficulty in social situations. I know that I’ve had a horrible time throughout life making and then trying to maintain those friendships. People have thought me cold, or a snob, or mean. I am none of those. It is because I desire my own company. When I am alone, I do not need to be ‘on’. I can be myself by myself. I don’t have to be something that I’m not. Maybe that’s why I feel safe when I do not have to throw myself into some social circle where I feel that I am constantly under a microscope, being judged.

It’s not that I’m weak or afraid. I want to be alone most times. I struggle with making conversation. I deplore going to parties where I don’t know many people. Though I’ve studied on how to begin one, I would rather not start a conversation. Thank you very much. But getting back to those aforementioned groups; I feel part of a bigger family, embraced warmly by our familiarity of having Aspergers. They understand me. They know that sometimes we can appear aloof, or too forward, or sometimes even mean. Swimming through the muck in this sea of normality, we struggle to keep our heads above the crashing waves, one more breath to last us into another new day. We can survive this mess. We can love or loathe the life we are give to live. It is our individual decision to make. I choose to embrace this life I have been blessed to live. I won’t run from it. I won’t injure myself because of it. I am part of this creation, this insanity; this awesome wild ride that is new each and every morning. Shine brightly, my fellow Aspies, normalcy be damned! You are perfect just the way that you are.

Aspie Girl

How many times can a person feel invisible? Lost in a crowd? Feel as though you are the only one who has this ‘condition’? I don’t want to stand out. I hate being noticed. Does anyone else go through this, or am I the only one?

Asperger’s takes its toll. I can’t even go for a walk outside without having the sense that the world is slowly closing in on me, squeezing the very air out of my lungs. I hate seeing others out there on the route I take because I’m never sure whether to say ‘hi’ or not. And when I do and others just look at me like I’ve just sprung another head, I start to wither once more

Fear is a huge part of my daily life. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of people. I try to stuff all that fear down deep inside but it insists on bubbling back up to the surface. I can’t seem to rid myself of this burden of fear. I want to be normal on some days, other days I don’t give a damn what others think of my idiosyncrasies. This is me. I want others to like me. Sometimes, again, I don’t give a sh@%t whether they do or don’t.

I seem unbalanced most days. Caring or indifferent. Depends on my mood. Weird things freak me out. Like yesterday my husband and I were watching War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise and it scares me every time I watch that movie. Not that I think aliens are going to burst through the clouds and overtake the earth, it’s just that frightening aspect of losing control and being at the mercy of the mob.

So, this is where I finish this post. Any Aspie’s out there? Do you feel the same way?

Writing…An Art Form.

It’s all about what you know. Writing, that is. But that’s not how my brain works. I write to write. To see words on the page that reflect the turmoil or the beauty within my mind. I write from imagination. From make-believe. The love of words and images that crowd within my brain can seem overwhelming at times. But still I cling to the hope that one day I too shall see my name in print. No riches do I seek. Okay, enough to pay the bills and allow the pleasure to work from the comfort of my own home. That would definitely be ideal.

Sometimes the frustration of work gets in the way. I often use the excuse that I’m too tired to write. That is bullshit because I had no problem last November for the 30 days of writing for NaNoWriMo. Okay, I think that’s how it’s written. So I was well on my way, every day, with keeping up with the daily word count. Many days I went over and I wasn’t tired at all! So what’s really going on here?

Fear? This is something I’ve written about before. Silly, irrational fear of failure. I hate it. I hate allowing the fear to tie my hands. To keep me from what I am doing at this very moment. Typing words. Just flows so naturally for me. It is a blessing and a gift. So here I go again, another year of a writing challenge. Here’s to kicking fear in its ass, and never allowing it to return. Here’s to a love that never dies and a thirst that cannot be quenched. Here’s to the age-old, beloved art of writing. I am back.