Turned Around

Being lost is a terrifying experience for me. I remember, one time in my late-teens, going for a job interview not far from my home and getting lost. For most people it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Not for me, though. I went into a spiral of fear and panic, worried that I wouldn’t make it in time. I began screaming, crying, and doing a good bit of swearing. My usual response to becoming lost, when I was younger. And after about ten minutes or so of losing complete control of my sanity, I would calm down and become embarrassed of myself for acting like a spoiled two-year old. It was silly to act like that, I’d chide myself. Here I was, a grown woman throwing a conniption over taking a wrong turn or two. Pathetic, I mocked myself.

I am still not the best at finding places I seek, but thank God for online maps! At least I have those at the ready now. Having Asperger’s and fits of rage over the silliest things, I look back on those times and have to shake my head. I used to pound my fists into walls whenever the rage built up within. As a woman, I felt it odd to get that angry. I really didn’t have a reason for this anger. It just used to well up inside of me, scaring me. But I have that under control now, thank God. But while living under that shadow, it was pretty much hell.

When you’re not sure what is wrong with your brain, it causes you to become depressed, big-time. You feel like a foreigner within your own body. Funny, if you don’t like someone, you can usually just leave their presence, but not likely going to happen if that unlikeable person is yourself.

So over the past year of my self-discovery that is Asperger’s, I have accepted my shortcomings and finally began to like myself. No more self-loathing. We all know that self-loathing gets you nowhere. It’s bad enough when others run you down, or reject you, do not do that to yourself. You have to be your own best friend sometimes. Your own biggest cheerleader. Go! Go! Go! Don’t give up on yourself.

Yep, Asperger’s is hard. You normally don’t have many friends. You scan the list of it’s traits and check off each one that you are already living with. So you need to realize your new normal. It’s okay to be different. Being unlike the next person isn’t so bad. Again, find your own unique gifts and run with them! We all have gifts. The discovery of those gifts is an enjoyable journey, at least it should be! So go out there and embrace your uniqueness! You might be amazed at what you may find.

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