In the past, I dealt with my feelings of isolation and being the odd one with alcohol and drug use(and lots of heavy metal music!). For a while the substances numbed my emotional pain, but it never removed it completely. There was always a part of me that struggled to fit in without having to rely on ‘outside help’ to worm my way into normalcy whenever I went out to a party or to a bar. Oh I loved meeting people, especially guys when I was in my late teens and early twenties(before meeting my darling husband) but I never figured out what to say to impress them, to helped them figure out that, hey, I might just be the one for them! Usually at parties I shrank into a quiet corner, mostly it was found in the sanctuary of another room devoid of humans.
Back in high school, I remember one year the first day of Physical Education class and realizing, with complete dread, that there wasn’t a friendly face in the crowd of girls seated on the bleachers. I remember sitting on the floor and watching a fly buzzing around and wishing that I could be that insignificant bug and fly away, out of that room, out of that school, out of that life I tried so hard to fit into. But of course, that was impossible. I hated sports. I was the one that, not only chosen last for the team, but a lot of times never chosen and the teacher had to stick me on a team, only to be brutalized by the groans and complaints of, “Oh no, not her!”
Yes. I am not the sports enthusiast by a long shot. I still cannot serve a volleyball successfully over a net! But you know, I have come to accept my failures in that arena. I wasn’t made to be physical that way. But now I do run and weight lift, and I have always been a fast runner. But when you are young and begging silently for acceptance, anything that you see yourself as a failure at, just takes another nibble out of your self-esteem. And there is definitely a lack of that for girls while attending school, especially, I believe, in junior high school. What a nightmare! But I won’t go there. Girls can be so mean at that age. And it’s a shame, since they are all in the same boat at that point: some many changes that a young lady goes through at that time. But we won’t go there…again. So if were to be asked what age I’d like to return to, it would be age 30. Guys are better at that age too!
So it is a lonely road having Asperger’s, especially for a girl since it is more difficult to determine what is wrong with her than with her male counterpart. I shouldn’t complain, though, since I had great parents and siblings(even though they tortured me mentally by telling me I was adopted and that the government removed the month of September, my birth month, from the calendar and that I would thus no longer have a birthday to celebrate!). Oh, older brothers and sisters can be soooo mean.
Anyway, to all of you out there with Asperger’s, take it from me, you do not need any substances to handle life. Because overall it just complicates things. Take life a day at time. Best to have a friend to discuss this with. It is a lonely life. I understand. I probably have only a few friends that I can count on. But my husband is my very best friend. Even though he enjoys teasing me about what I write on here. Love your life. You are worth it. You are worth loving. Be who you were made to be and embrace it. For life is short, so we need to take in as much of it as possible for however long of a time we have it. Don’t waste your time feeling sorry for yourself. I’ve done it and it didn’t help in the least. If you must, set a timer for 10 or 15 minutes and have a good cry. I’ve done that and I usually feel so much better after that.
See yourselves as unique. You are one of a kind, dear friends. And you are a wonderful addition to this craziness called the Human Race. Blessings. Until next time, Eva