Okay, so this isn’t an official diagnosis but I think I’ve finally discovered what the hell is wrong with me. I’ve made a few discoveries about myself in the past couple of years: (1) I’m lactose-intolerant and (2) gluten makes me terribly ill. Perhaps that’s too much information, but I figured I should share. Now, after decades of wondering why I’m so different from other people, I believe that I have Asperger’s. One of my sons has it. And now my dad thinks he might have something along those lines, and after reading quite a bit of information about it, I am sure that’s what I’ve been struggling with for decades.
I’ve never been very good at making friends, and I actually don’t always enjoy making conversation. For years I have always wondered what was wrong with me. Why didn’t people like me. Why am I so different from other people? Why can’t I make good eye contact, or if I do, why do I wind up staring? That’s probably even creepier. My sense of humor was always different from the other females I knew.
I’ve had people tell my parents that I was stuck-up because I didn’t talk to other people, but it was because I would rather bury my nose in a good book than have a boring conversation with people I hardly knew. School was a nightmare. I’d overhear other students mock me, tell each other I was strange; different. And I guess that I was. Talk about feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.
I’d struggle for years to try to fit in and be like the other women. The things they enjoyed doing, I hated. The things I loved, other women would just stare at me and wonder what was I thinking. I like looking at houses, reading a lot, writing creatively; especially poetry.
Checking out the websites about female Aspies, I compared myself with the list of traits. And yes, I have almost 100% of them. I always thought I was crazy, that I didn’t fit in to this world. I tried to take my own life due to this. I’m glad that I didn’t succeed. But it’s sad that it took me almost fifty years to figure this out. I’m not a freak of nature, I just have Aspergers. I am human. I am someone who is not like the other ladies out there. I can breathe easier. I can be who I was created to be. I am an original. One of a kind. I don’t have to worry any longer whether people like me or not. I don’t have to fit into a stupid mold any longer. I will now just be.
How many tears did I shed over this! How much heartache and anxiety I suffered due to this. But I’m not angry any longer since I’ve discovered the truth. It’s not too late for me. No more fear or anxiety over this. I will be myself. I will love myself. I will love my son even more now that I know we share this difference from the majority of society. Now I don’t have to keep questioning ‘why’. Why did I have such a strong imagination. Why did I have this love of words.
I have peace now. I can be content. No more trying to please others by trying to be just like them. If people don’t want to accept me, then it’s their problem, not mine. I used to blame myself, not anymore. I will get off my soapbox now. But let me say; love yourselves too. Embrace your differences. Don’t try to be like everyone else. It’s self-defeating and tiresome. Enjoy each day of your life. You are one of a kind. No more wasting time. Now it’s time to get on with the joy and adventure of living. Now I can throw more of myself into my writing, whatever the subject. Now I am whole.