So I’m Not Crazy???

Okay, so this isn’t an official diagnosis but I think I’ve finally discovered what the hell is wrong with me.  I’ve made a few discoveries about myself in the past couple of years: (1) I’m lactose-intolerant and (2) gluten makes me terribly ill.  Perhaps that’s too much information, but I figured I should share.  Now, after decades of wondering why I’m so different from other people, I believe that I have Asperger’s.  One of my sons has it.  And now my dad thinks he might have something along those lines, and after reading quite a bit of information about it, I am sure that’s what I’ve been struggling with for decades.

I’ve never been very good at making friends, and I actually don’t always enjoy making conversation.  For years I have always wondered what was wrong with me.  Why didn’t people like me.  Why am I so different from other people?  Why can’t I make good eye contact, or if I do, why do I wind up staring?  That’s probably even creepier.  My sense of humor was always different from the other females I knew.

I’ve had people tell my parents that I was stuck-up because I didn’t talk to other people, but it was because I would rather bury my nose in a good book than have a boring conversation with people I hardly knew.  School was a nightmare.  I’d overhear other students mock me, tell each other I was strange; different.  And I guess that I was.  Talk about feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.

I’d struggle for years to try to fit in and be like the other women.  The things they enjoyed doing, I hated.  The things I loved, other women would just stare at me and wonder what was I thinking.  I like looking at houses, reading a lot, writing creatively; especially poetry.

Checking out the websites about female Aspies, I compared myself with the list of traits.  And yes, I have almost 100% of them.  I always thought I was crazy, that I didn’t fit in to this world.  I tried to take my own life due to this.  I’m glad that I didn’t succeed.  But it’s sad that it took me almost fifty years to figure this out.  I’m not a freak of nature, I just have Aspergers.  I am human.  I am someone who is not like the other ladies out there.  I can breathe easier.  I can be who I was created to be.  I am an original.  One of a kind.  I don’t have to worry any longer whether people like me or not.  I don’t have to fit into a stupid mold any longer.  I will now just be.

How many tears did I shed over this!  How much heartache and anxiety I suffered due to this.  But I’m not angry any longer since I’ve discovered the truth.  It’s not too late for me.  No more fear or anxiety over this.  I will be myself.  I will love myself.  I will love my son even more now that I know we share this difference from the majority of society.  Now I don’t have to keep questioning ‘why’.  Why did I have such a strong imagination.  Why did I have this love of words.

I have peace now.  I can be content.  No more trying to please others by trying to be just like them.  If people don’t want to accept me, then it’s their problem, not mine.  I used to blame myself, not anymore.  I will get off my soapbox now.  But let me say; love yourselves too.  Embrace your differences.  Don’t try to be like everyone else.  It’s self-defeating and tiresome.  Enjoy each day of your life.  You are one of a kind.  No more wasting time.  Now it’s time to get on with the joy and adventure of living.  Now I can throw more of myself into my writing, whatever the subject.  Now I am whole.



2 thoughts on “So I’m Not Crazy???

  1. It is such a relief to find out, “Hey, I have a reason for being so weird!” If you haven’t checked out, I’ve found that to be one of the best resources for people on the spectrum. It’s certainly helped me out a lot. I wish more doctors would actually realize the difference between females on the spectrum and males on the spectrum, and realize that all the preconceived notions need to go away. It makes it so hard to get a proper diagnosis.
    It’s great though to find “your people” so to speak 🙂

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