A Writer’s Life in the Open

Sometimes I’d like to retreat into a shell, to be that boring, unintimidating person in the corner.  No one bothers to come near.  No one questions my intentions.  I like to see myself as bland, but deep down I know that’s not the truth.

I struggle to keep myself underwraps.  Not that I’m a dangerous person; or in any way a danger to society.  No.  It is my thoughts that I try to hide from others.  I’m afraid that others may find me a bit “off”.

I can’t write happy, frilly tales of kittens, and apple pie, and other sorts of fluff.  It’s not me.  When I try to write about sweet stuff it comes off as just plain corny.  Others can write about it, but not me.

I need to write about the gritty, raw aspects of everyday life.  Ones with the scars; open, festering wounds.  The ugly side of humanity.  We all know that life is not always pretty.  Perhaps our upbringing was far from Ozzy and Harriet.  Maybe it was cold, lonely, and abusive, and left us wondering what we ever did to deserve such resentment.

We could be facing serious addictions – drugs, alcohol, food, and even sex.  Life can be messy.  Sometimes even downright dangerous.  But we keep trying.  Trying to get ahead.  Trying to better ourselves.  Trying to succeed.  Trying to survive.

That is what I want to write about.  The dark underbelly of society.  About the jealousy, burdens, fears, and heartache.  The unknown factors.  Life.  Death.  And everything in between.

My husband used to say that my writing was ‘poetry to commit suicide by’ since it was so dark and depressing.  Perhaps it stemmed from my teenage angst and pain of rejection from my peers.  I just wanted to be real.  Like life itself.  No false pretenses.  No sugar-coating the truth.

I am a writer.  I need to write like I need food, air, and water to survive.  Yes.  I am even miserable when I don’t write.  It is my addiction and my balm.  And I need to write honestly about the things that float around in this brain of mine.  Tales of passion, violence, deceit, and grief.  Reality.

So you have been warned, dear readers.  I can no longer hold these thoughts inside.  Either release them or I’ll explode.  Maybe I don’t want to be judged harshly by my peers.  I don’t want others to question my sanity.  To question my faith.  I must write what is in my heart. I have to write.  I love to write.  It is my passion.  My joy.  My lifeblood.  Follow me on this journey, if you so choose.  Welcome to the madness and the fun.

Going out on a Limb

Okay, I’m going to probably offend some people with this post, but it is not intentional.  This issue has weighed on my mind for some time now and these are my own personal views.  You can agree with them or not.  It is your choice.  So(deep breath) here goes:  God doesn’t hate you.  Too often people think they are too far gone for God to reach them; to change them.  Some people don’t want to change.  Others just plain do not believe.

I am not the in-your-face evangelist.  I like to share my faith with my words.  I am a Christian though many times a pretty lousy one.  But God doesn’t hate me for my weaknesses.  I struggle, just as we all do as human beings.  Life is hard.  Through all these modern conveniences, we as people can still feel so desperately lonely at times.   Why is that?

I think we no longer trust each other, and in many instances, for good reasons.  We’ve become more cynical.  Myself included.  We look at the world and see only pain, misery, deceit, hate, prejudice and death.  Okay, I sound like some debbie-downer here; but the truth is we all crave some good news and hope.  It keeps us sane and moving forward day by day.

Gay or straight:  God does not hate you!  Divorced: God does not hate you.  Alcoholic or drug addicted:  God does not hate you.  God is love, so He cannot hate.  I believe that He mourns over our sins and shortcomings.  I will not say ‘failures’ because we do not fail until we cease to try.

Too often it is God’s people who turn others away from seeking Him out.  Judgemental, overly pious, vying for some sainthood, and looking so pure on the outside.  It’s a lie.  We all have our faults, some obvious and others not so much.  God is patient.  He will never force you to come to Him.  I personally believe in Hell and in the consequences of rejecting God.  But let me say this:  He is a loving and just God.  He is not in heaven looking down waiting for you to screw up, to say or do the wrong thing.  He knows we are only flesh and blood.  He knows that life is difficult and messy.

Too often people don’t want to turn to God because they think then they have to be perfect, never screwing up and making a mistake again.  Wrong!  Let me lead by example.  I am a tremendous screw up.  I struggle with many things, especially my thought life.  I won’t go there but it ain’t pretty in my head, that’s all I’ve got to say.  But I still know that God loves me and cares about me.  He knows all about me and my screw ups.  He made me.  I don’t come as a surprise to Him!  He doesn’t look at me and think, ‘Wow, never saw that one coming!’.

Bask in His love.  Don’t listen to the lies that you will never be good enough.  There is no such thing as ‘good enough’ anyway.  We are all in that boat.  And that’s not to condemn anyone.  We need to strengthen each other.  We must stand together or we fall apart.  I think we all know someone who could use a smile, a helping hand, a warm meal, a friend.

Don’t look at the church to see God.  I’ve  noticed myself how lukewarm it’s becoming in this nation.  There doesn’t seem to be much energy and excitement anymore.  We seem to be dwelling too deeply in apathy.  Rise above it.  Don’t drown in it.  Though the waves may crash against that shore, don’t let it smash you against its rocks.

God is incredible.  I feel sorry for those who never gave Him a shot.  I am loved by a great Creator.  Yes.  I do believe God created the heavens and the earth.  His creation is awesome.  Just look at a rainbow.  How life begins anew in Springtime after a long and dreary winter.  I love watching the buds on the trees and the flowers push through the dirt in the ground to bloom once more.

You are incredibly made.  Just take a few minutes and think about it.  How your body functions.  It’s mind-blowing.  Please, all I ask is that you take a moment to see that God is not a god of hate and wrath, but one of love and compassion.  Religion can be numbing and downright mean at times, but faith is sustaining.  A lot of crap happened with the Christian church, I confess.  But let me just say that is what the people did, God did not ask for them to do that.  It is not in the New Testament.  Oftentimes people do such wicked and evil things in the name of God.  He is not a god of evil and torment.  He loves you.  He only wants you to give Him some time in your day; in your life.  But it is your call; your decision.  God wants you to love Him because you choose to, not because you have to.

Again, God is love, His people may not always come across as loving and caring.  Even I as a Christian have run across that too.  A lot of the times I’ve found that people out of the church can be more loving and accepting than those inside the four walls.  And remember, Jesus came for the sick, not for the healthy.  He came to heal the broken-hearted and how many of us out there are feeling broken-hearted?  We’ve all gone through that at least once.

In conclusion, please don’t write God off just because His people have screwed you over.  He wants you.  He accepts you.  He loves you.  It’s easy to accept Him.  Just open up your heart and let Him in.

Blessings and peace,

Eva