Feeling Down

Maybe it’s the shorter days, but I am feeling the blues.  The cold seasonal weather is slowly seeping into my corner of the Midwest and I don’t like it.  I’m not crazy about cold or snow.  Never really have been.  I just feel down. 

Last night I was feeling sorry for myself.  I thought about how my life is just slipping away, day after day of doing nothing of great importance.  I never wanted to waste my life but that is what I feel is happening.  I want to live a life of significance.  I want to make a difference in this world. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family.  I am truly blessed by God.  I have so many wonderful people in my life.  But do you ever feel that something is missing?  Something that is gnawing away about your conscience?  Something whispering in your ear that you are not doing enough?  That all you are doing is floating through life without any real purpose or meaning?  That is how I’m feeling.

I’m not asking for fame or fortune.  I not want to be featured on TMZ or The Soup.  I want to know that when I die, that I have contributed something solid to someone else’s life.  That someone else’s life is better off because I was there for them.

I have probably gone this route before, with the desire to make a difference to someone, to be someone’s lifeline.  To know that I have fulfilled my Christian destiny to be a beacon of light to someone struggling in the choppy and dangerous water of this world.  I want to change the world for the better.  I want to see an end to child abuse; to see an end to childhood diseases that takes a young boy or girl away from their parents.  I don’t want to see another mom or dad having to bury their child and to grieve that loss for the rest of their lives.  I want to see an end to all of this world’s atrocities.  I know, people have a difficult time of getting along with each other.  A lot of times it is within the walls of their own home. 

I just want to show the love I have bottled up inside of me.  To let others know how much they are cared about and loved.  That even at their lowest moments, that they would somehow realize that there is someone out there who cares.  And if they can’t find that someone in their own family or circle of friends, I want them to know that Jesus is there for them.  That He loves unconditionally.  There is always hope.  There is always love.  Love never loses.  Maybe I’m just a dreamer.  Maybe I need to come down to reality.  But I believe in people.  I don’t want to become cynical about the things I see on the news each day.  I want to still believe that there is much good still going on in this world.  That as human beings we can turn this mess around. 

Okay, I’ve gone on longer than I first planned.  But once I got going, I couldn’t stop.  So friends, let’s love each other that way God designed us to.  Hold the door open for someone.  Smile at a stranger.  Write a note to a friend.  Visit an elderly person in a nursing home.  Be the difference.  Be that light to someone who is slowly drowning in darkness.  That’s what I want to be.  Hold me accountable.  I don’t want to become bitter or apathetic.  I want to be who God intended me to be the moment I came screaming into this world, until the moment He calls me back home.  God bless you all.

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Good News

So excited and happy for my son, Malachi.  Got his first auto repair job.  He starts tomorrow at Midas.  Now he just needs to prove himself that he is well capable of doing the job.  I feel very thankful that they are giving him this opportunity.  My son has been trying for months to get a repair job.  Doesn’t have any experience, so of course it was hard for him to get his foot in the door. 

I had my menancing tooth pulled on Friday and finally got to sleep through the night.  How wonderful that was.  You never know how good sleep can be for you until you can’t sleep.  Lack of sleep makes for one cranky and irritable Mom and wife. 

So life is going well.  Need to get a client still with my Caregiver job.  Working with ServiceMaster has gotten me  a lot of extra hours, which I am so thankful for.  Been real busy lately, which is a blessing to be able to keep on working.  I’ve been very tired, but content.

So, I’ll say have a wonderful and blessed day, my friends.  Take care of yourselves and say a prayer for my son for him to do well, and for God to give him the confidence and peace to do well at his new job.  In His name, blessings to you all.

A Little Whining Never Hurt Anyone

I have one heck of a toothache.  Can’t sleep.  Still up while hubby is in bed sound asleep.  I can’t understand why something so small can cause so many big problems.  I know, it probably has something to do with the root and nerves and all that other fun stuff.  Have to wait to see a dentist.  No insurance.  Guess we’ll have to bite the bullet and pay it all ourselves.  Hate to waste the money but can’t handle the pain anymore.  Was in tears already a few times.  Don’t know if I’m just a wuss or if it is that painful.

So I apologize for the complaining.  I’ve prayed for healing but I guess God is telling me to ‘pull that tooth out.’  Hate dentists but I have to admit I’m actually looking forward to getting an appointment to remove this menace in my mouth.  I’m just praying that it won’t break the bank, so to speak.  Pray for me that I won’t be a big baby when I do get my appointment and that the dentist will be able to get it all removed easily.  Because remember, I’m probably just one big wuss when it comes to handling pain.  Thanks for letting me vent. 

Sitting Here in Limbo

Sometimes I think that my life is very boring.  I don’t feel like I’m making any difference in anyone else’s life.  I am blessed, don’t get me wrong.  I love my family.  But I still feel like there is something missing in my life.  I am so disorganized.  That is a negative when one wants to become a published writer.  My writing-table is in shambles.  I have a pile of magazines here, and a stack of finished poems there, and I can’t even see an empty space on the surface.

Perhaps it is because I’m afraid that if I clear off the table, then I have to get down to my writing.  What am I afraid of anyway?  Is it fear of success or of failure?  Or could it be a little bit of both.  Can it be that I’m too lazy?  Or that I just don’t care one way or another?  I’m not sure.  I don’t even want to know, to be honest.  Perhaps I’m just too content with writing here on my blog.  It is safe.  I don’t have to worry about rejection.  Or whether a paycheck is coming in. 

Either way, I need to start and stop letting this foolishness hold me back.  I’ve said it before, I know.  Sometimes I feel that my life is in limbo, as though I am waiting to see what is going to happen.  What direction does God want me heading into?  I’ve always felt this talent was a gift from Him.  Why do I keep holding it back?  Why can’t I just release my inner writer and let her be whoever she wants, or needs, to be? 

Busyness of day-to-day living can be so hard to endure at times.  Hold me accountable.  Don’t let me get by another week without submitting something to an editor.  I need to take that chance, no matter what the outcome.