Feeling His Presence

So often in our faithwalk we either strongly feel God’s presence or we feel as though He has deserted us.  We are not always going to feel His presence but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t care or no longer loves us.  I have oftentimes felt this way.  I’d think, If I don’t feel Him around me, then He must no longer care about me.  Or worse, maybe God is not there.  That would throw me for a loop, a terrifying one.

No, friends, God has not abandoned you.  He is still in control, still loving on you, and still guiding even if we do not sense it.  I personally enjoy reading  portion of scripture on a daily basis because I believe it grounds me. It helps me dig deeper into my faith, and I feel closer to God in doing so.  It doesn’t have to be a long verse, but I have found that it helps it sink in deeper if read aloud.

God is there, in the good times and in the darkness.  He will never leave us.  God loves unconditionally, and not as man loves.  It is a deeper, stronger, and more precious love than we can ever fully comprehend.

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Resolutions

Christmas is behind us and soon we’ll be ringing in the new year.  Did you get everything accomplished in 2016 that you wanted to?  I didn’t.  My biggest regret of this year is not keeping my word to focus on my writing, and submitting work.  Am I ready to do battle with writer’s block in 2017?  Damn right I am!  I’m not getting any younger and my memory is not what it once was.  I need to hop on that train and ride it. 

There’s so much I’d like to accomplish in 2017, so here’s a few early resolutions.  I’m working on my language learning skills; Spanish and German.  Then there’s the reading a book a month, or quicker.  I’ve got plenty to go through. I’d like to make my own throw pillows, learn how to belly dance, lose weight, do some DIY remodeling, and finally catch up with my emails.  

How long will I stay true to those resolutions?  No one knows.  I have the desire to do these things, and more, but like my frustrating writer’s block, will I get stuck in apathy offer or will I rise above all of that garbage?  Only time will tell.

Until next time.  Happy New Year.

A Very Simple Life

I’m a very simple person.  I am low-maintenance, and probably have the mind of a child at times.  I’m easily amused as well. I laugh easily.  I love deeply, and feel others pain deeply as well.  I hate watching people argue on talk shows; makes my heart race as though they were yelling at me personally.  Not normal.  Or is it for someone like me; introverted and an Aspie.

I collect serious things, like angel figurines; and silly things like Minions.  I have Minions coffee mugs, stuffed ones, Christmas ornaments, plastic pencil cases, t-shirts, and even a pair of pajamas with the cute little guys gracing them all over.

I enjoy reading, but don’t get to as often as I’d like anymore.  My eyes are getting worse as I age.  Thank God for dollar reading glasses at Dollar Tree.  I wish I could carry a tune but I couldn’t sing to save my life; seriously.  My husband tells me not to sing whenever I attempt to.  I love Christmas carols and I don’t care if it sounds like a pack of wild dogs howling in the night, I love music.  I especially am fond of Country Music as I grow older.  Chris Young is one of my favorites.  Maybe someday I will get the chance to see him in concert.

I’m a Christian, but unfortunately  not as good as I’d like to be.  I have many faults.  One big one is I have a deep-seated fear of things going wrong in my life.  I believe that God watches over me and keeps me safe, but I still worry way too much.  I hate failure.  Then again, I think most people do as well.  I want to be a published writer, and I don’t even care if I can’t make a living out of it.  I am happiest when writing.  I lose track of time as words fly across the screen.  And being content and happy with your lot in life is serious business.

Life is too short to worry over the small things.  I try to live a simple life.  I shop at thrift stores, which I have no problem with because I love the items that I find there.  I am content to sit in my rocking chair here in my writing room while reading a good books while sipping a cup or two of Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla coffee; home-brewed of course.

I am content to watch the sunrise on a summer day, or sit at the beach watching everyone enjoying themselves.  I can even enjoy sifting dirt through my fingers while working in my garden, relishing the feel of the warm soil.  I am a simple person because I can sit back and love others even if we do not agree on issues.  Again, life is too short to fight because one person thinks differently than someone else.  Love, in my book, always wins out.

I’m a simple person because as I look around at my writing room and see the things that make me happiest; my books, Minions collection, and I forgot about my snowmen collection(stuffed and figurines), my scented candles, my houseplants; all these things bring joy into my heart.  And I wouldn’t want to change anything.  I am happiest when I can sit back and take in life in small bite-sized pieces.  I don’t want to swallow my experiences whole, but savor them.  I’m a simple person, and I don’t care anymore who knows it.

Until next time.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Here we are, a week and a half before Christmas, and it is awfully cold outside.  I am not a winter person.  I don’t ski, sled, skate, or ice fish.  To be honest winter reminds me of death; dark and dismal.  I wake up in the morning, it’s dark.  By late afternoon, it’s dark.  My favorite time of year is Spring, especially when the sky gradually lightens at four/four-thirty.  That’s when I love to awaken, to grab a cup of either coffee or tea, and go into my writing room.  I close the door carefully behind me and power up the laptop,.peruse my email and Facebook page before getting down to writing.

Sometimes I become distracted by social media and wind up sitting there for over an hour reading posts.  Sometimes longer.  I chide myself for allowing the distraction.  I need to get back to my writing and revise a bunch of short stories, and quite a few flash fiction pieces.  Then I have poetry, some written over thirty years ago, and I debate whether I should pursue submitting them as well.  And so many books on the craft of writing.  Which one do I begin with?  Which one would be most advantageous in helping me improve my craft?

Life gives us much to write about.  Each new day is an adventure.  That’s what I adore about putting words to paper, or computer.  What do you enjoy writing about?  Where do you obtain your best ideas?  I’ll be doing a lot of writing in the next few weeks.  Happy holidays to you all.  Until next time.

Just A Little Rant

So much of life these days is out of whack.  It’s gotten so bad that I don’t even want to turn on the news anymore in the mornings.  Sadly you hear about a mom getting shot, an innocent victim of gang violence, or a horrible fire with loss of young lives, or a fatal car crash because someone wasn’t paying attention.  Sickness, addictions, and suicides.  It’s all enough to make a person wonder what the point of life is.

Maybe I’m just the type of person who feels too much; gets overly emotional.  Bad stuff happens everyday.  A lot of unfortunate and tragic things happen to good, hard-working people who are just trying to make a living and take care of their families.  You hear about these tragedies and it causes you to shake your head and try to understand the point in all of it, if there is a point.

So many things just don’t make sense.  I understand that desperate people do desperate things.  Maybe we need to focus on helping each other out more.  And I’m talking about those people who actually need help.  The parent out of work due to no fault of their own, those who have serious illnesses, or contemplating suicide, and those struggling with addictions.  Get help.  Don’t struggle alone.  There are a lot of people in this country who are dealing with the same issues you are, or even those who have already overcome them.  No one should go through this life alone.  There’s way too much craziness to deal with.  We all need someone at our side.  You can volunteer your time, take a meal to a new mom, or to a family who is grieving due to a recent death in the family.  There are so many options.  Look on line under Volunteering in your community.  And it’ll make you feel good as well.  Taking the focus off of our own lives and putting it on another is like a shot of endorphin. You can feel great about knowing you are making a difference.

This life is a long and bumpy ride.

Living Life Underneath An Umbrella

I’m going to be brutally honest in this post; some might say crazy; but there are days, like today, that I think about dying.  There are bad days when I wonder whether I am worth anything; if I’m just a waste of space.  But I know that’s a lie.  I know that being an introvert and an Aspie can mess with my mind.  There are days I over think things.  And that’s when I feel like I’m losing my mind; when I want to punch walls, scream, and curl up into myself.

Today was a day that I (a) wasn’t feeling well, (b) was frustrated with things happening in my life, and (c) questioning my existence.  The good part, the sane part, is that I understand that it is just a phase I go through occasionally.  I would never kill myself though I do think about it from time to time.  Maybe I just enjoy a little self-pity.  Maybe there are times that my mind plays tricks on me.  I ask myself:  Am I more afraid of living or I am I more afraid of dying?

Since my brain doesn’t function like ‘normal’ people(those not on the Autism Spectrum), I worry if my family actually loves me; if they’d be better off without me.  And again, it’s a lie that’s trying to screw with my head.  I know that they do love me yet there are times, like today, that I do not feel loved; by my husband, my children, my parents, my siblings, etc.  I feel like I’m living underneath an umbrella; the trials of life, like rain, pummel me and I am curled up, fetal-position, underneath a blanket, waiting for the nasty weather to pass.

And pass it does.  The trials disappear, or I learn to manage them, or I decide they aren’t worth my time and energy worrying about them.  That’s how life goes for me.  I get into these little snits and I want to end it all.  I think about how I’d do it.  What would be the least messy way to do away with myself?  Then I think:  how would the person who found me feel?  That is something a person doesn’t forget, etched into your memory forever.

Sometimes I don’t even want to leave the house.  I have a desire to be involved in society, yet I don’t want to deal with people most times.   The Aspie says, ‘I don’t know how to associate with others.  And the introvert in me says, ‘I don’t want to be around people.’  Yet the real me says:  ‘I want to enjoy life.  I want to have friends.  I don’t want to let life pass me by without accomplishing the things I most want to do.’  I’ve made up a bucket list of things I want to try.  Publishing a novel, rock climbing, zip-lining, learning foreign languages, belly-dancing. What stands in my way of reaching those goals? Fear.  Fear holds me back.  Fear of failure.  Fear of looking like an idiot.  Fear of not understanding the instructions on how to do things.

And I have a terrible habit of over-thinking things, and that’s when I screw up.  I try very hard to learn things but somehow there’s a disconnect in my brain.  I am the type of learner that needs to do the thing I’m trying to learn rather than have the person teaching me explaining it with words.  I am a hands-on learner.

So there you have it; my secret pain.  It’s not something I enjoy sharing, but I want to be honest that I suffer with these bouts of depression to the point of contemplating suicide.  I am thankful that the feelings are short-lived and pass by quickly.  I believe in being positive and doing my best to make others happy.  I believe every life is precious.  I believe that the voices in our head are liars.  We are worth something.  We are precious to our families, spouses, and children.  As a Christian, I believe we are important to God as well. Our lives are important.  I heard it said once that ‘suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.’  It’s a sad fact that people who take their own lives believe that the horrible, messed-up part of their life that they are currently in will never end; will haunt them for the rest of their lives; and that’s not true.  I’d say talk to someone; get help.  You don’t need to suffer alone if you are contemplating taking your own life.  I refuse to believe the lies swirling around inside my head and so must you, my friends.  Until next time.

 

 

Mindless Rantings on Life

Are we living in a land of confusion?  When up is down, right is wrong, good is evil; can we ever get right-side up again?  The world is a terrifying place and especially, I imagine, for those who are alone.  When you have to fall asleep by yourself, and when you awake there is no one there beside you to kiss you good morning, it must not only be scary but depressing as well, at least to me when I was single.  But more on singleness below.

Isn’t that why most people are desperate to find a mate; to not have to go through this life alone?  Don’t get me wrong, you needn’t find someone to make yourself content, or happy, but I believe it is a warm fuzzy feeling to have that strength and comfort next to you in bed.  Or is it just me?

I like being married.  Okay, maybe I wasn’t originally planning on taking this post in this direction but now I feel led to.  Maybe you are happy and satisfied with your singleness, and that’s all well and good.  Some people enjoy that status.  There isn’t any judgment here; just like for those who rather not have children.  It’s cool.  It’s your choice.  It’s the status of being a widow or widower that breaks my heart.  I’ve known people who had to live with that; the loneliness, the sadness, the void that the surviving spouse must deal with.  All I can say is:  Hold on to those beautiful memories and embrace them, cherish them.  Don’t ever forget that person you loved so completely.  And onto the divorced; some may even feel that you are better off divorced; no chains to bind you, freedom to do whatever you want, go whenever you want.  Sometimes, yes, we marry the wrong person.  They presented themselves during the dating phase to be something other than what you discovered after marrying them.  Perhaps they have some horrible addiction, are abusive, a cheater, or whatever you want to fill in the blank with. And in that case, it is wiser to escape that cage.  (Or try counseling, if both parties agree.  There is always hope for the person to turn their life around).

But stretching that thought out, I think we all present ourselves differently in the dating phase.  Don’t we all love putting our best foot forward, our happy faces on?  Normally the person we are dating doesn’t get the opportunity to see us at our worst, do they?  We wouldn’t reveal that ugly side of ourselves in fear of running them off; screaming into the night.

Yes, that would be awkward, wouldn’t it?  Does this have anything to do with writing, you may ask?  Well, not really.  Sometimes I just enjoy writing out my thoughts because I love to write.  This is my outlet.  This is my stress reliever.

And having Asperger’s, sometimes my thoughts get a little jumbled, so please forgive me.  It can seem like a rant at times, like a deranged women’s viewpoint.  But trust me; I am pretty good at being sane. So here is my post for this week.  A little flighty perhaps, but it is also my birthday as well.  And I had a desire to write something on marriage and the pluses of the institution.  I love being married.  It is all about shared experiences; both good and bad.  It is about children, if you have any, and the joys and struggles of raising them.  It is cold feet, and warm hearts; corny jokes and laughter(even if mine sounds like a mix between snorting and a percolator); and shared hopes and dreams for the future; for you and your spouse.

So with that, I bid you a pleasant weekend, and a very safe and enjoyable Labor Day.  Man, I can’t believe summer is technically over with the arrival of Labor Day.  Summer always seems to fly on by for me.  Well, love to you all, my readers.  Until next time; happy writing.

Eva